If you have been riding as long as I have you probably have a few moments sketched in your memory where you involuntarily dismounted into the dirt. It may have been a spook, a bad distance, a buck or bolt, or a stop. However you met the dirt, it was not fun and probably in some way put a dent in your confidence. I want to describe my most recent date with the dirt and hopefully my experiences will inspire those that are struggling to remember why we do this and to find that inner passion after the fall.
It was Feb 25, 2017 I had a 9am scheduled lesson. My 17 year old OTTB, who is a saint, was being perfect as usual. His name is Sunday Drive and he lives up to his name.. SLOOOOOW and cool as a cucumber. No big deal for this big 17.1hh softie. It was one of those lessons to where its all going pretty darn good and the trainer says, "lets do it one more time". I gathered my reins, picked up the canter and headed to the first single jump. That went fine, I rounded the corner to the outside 5 stride line. We can in perfect so I sat chilly and let Drive figure out the strides. We jumped out perfect!! We landed, took 3 canter steps (my best guy even landed on the correct lead-no need for a change!) when all of a sudden he tripped, face planted and next thing I knew I was hearing my trainer yelling for help. I was laying there trying to catch my breath sounding like a stuck pig, when I finally caught my breath. (later to find out I broke my rib, hence my squealing sound trying to catch my breath) I open my eyes and my trainer is telling me to breath and to relax and just breath. I then said, "who's standing on my arm?" "no one is standing on your arm Cindy" *insert panic here* OMG my arm!!
Now, I found out later that Drive was laying there completely still and so was I...to this day I shiver at the sight of that and feel for my trainer as she saw horse and rider down and not moving. Disclaimer: Drive was and is 100% OK!!! Other than being probably body sore (I did mention he's 17, right/!) he was fine and I am SO lucky he is ok. That being said, I got a ride to the ER to try and figure out what was wrong with my arm that looked like a ski slope. The xray showed a shatter forearm and wrist - meaning I had to see the surgeon on Monday. So I go to see the surgeon on Monday and he says, "you will have surgery on Wednesday March 1st and I wont know the extent of the damage till I am in there" March 1st comes and I am now the proud owner of a 7inch plate and 16 screws! I am now BIONIC!! I haven't tested the magnet trick yet but I bet you I could get it to stick to my arm.
I used my time "off" to go and watch Drive be ridden as much as I possibly could. I couldn't do much but watch, but I was reminded each and every time that he is SAFE and that this was a freak accident. As time went on, I was able to lift more (did I mention this was my right arm and I am right handed? oh yea, fun!) and help out more at the barn while I watched my guy go. My heart leaped into my throat every time I watched him jump and land- and I am still struggling with that. I have the most amazing support staff at my barn that all chipped in to keep him going and keep me informed on how he was. My doc kept saying, "3 more weeks till you can think of riding"......well, the day before Easter, I decided to hop on. It was like Christmas morning and I was SO excited. I walked, trotted AND cantered and survived. I didn't feel any nerves. I hopped on a few more times and enjoyed each one with very little nerves. I lessoned this past Saturday, May 6th, and trotted and cantered a few poles. I felt good, but had a heart dropping moment when I heard his hoof skid across the pole one time. *GASP!* (we were fine, it was all in my head no one even said a thing about it so clearly it wasn't an issue haha) My trainer set an X for me to jump and she said here we go, you canter this and can be done for the day. Think short stirrup X...the first hole on the waaaaay bottom of the standards...yup, that was my X. But, I cantered down to it, and we cantered over it. (pretty sure he didn't really "jump" seeing how small it was, but hey, it was in jump cups, it counts as a jump, right?) Everyone in the ring cheered, it was a pretty cool moment. I even wore the same breeches as I was wearing the day of the accident to break the curse. I later told my trainer that and she turned white and said "why did you tell me that" hahahah But hey, the curse is broken right? Or is it? This is where I am struggling.....was this a fluke? Was this a freak accident? We all trip, horses trip. But will this ever happen to me again? Will I ever feel confident cantering out of a line again? I honestly don't have any ambition to canter around a course any time soon, but the time will come to where I will have to rip the bandaid off and just do it. I am trying really hard not to over think this while in the tack. I know that this doesn't happen everyday and all I can do is pray to the heavens that nothing like this will happen to me again - or at least the same way with the same outcome. Not only now am I struggling mentally a little, I am battling the medical bills that just seen to come 5 at a time every day. My folder of bills is about 2 stories tall. All I can do is tackle them a little at a time-but man, its a constant reminder of what "happened". There goes any plan for showing this summer. *bummer*
How is my arm you ask? Well, it's doing pretty good. The scar is long and pretty badass. I am stuck in a handshake position and my wrist wont rotate any further. I am hoping in time that will come. I am staying positive with that. I can do most things that I wasn't able to do such as put a pony tail in, button my pants, and tighten a girth! I struggle with turning a door knob (due to the lack of rotation to the right) and accepting change from a cashier. (force of habit is to stick my right hand out and it all falls because my hand is not level)
So, I am looking for some words of wisdom to whom out there has been through a riding incident and it left them feeling a little inadequate- or come on, completely freaked out. I want to hear how you got through it. What was your go to method to push through? Or did you just get a year supply or red wine to supplement the worry? ha ha!
What am I without horses? Horses are my zen..my peace..my inner most pleasure. I have to remind myself that maybe this accident was a little moment to force me to slow down and enjoy life a little more. Enjoy my horses in a different way while I heal. Observe the horses in motion and understand they are animals and things happen..right?
Thank you for reading this if you even got this far. It felt good to get this all out as I am struggling with all this in my brain. I tend to be long winded, so I apologize but I hope at some point in here you smiled or maybe even shook your head in agreement remembering a similar thought process.
your fellow bionic rockstar..
Cindy
Don’t force it. Forget jumping and just ride for fun until you can put it out of your mind. Even if you don’t jump, you can still ride. If it comes back, great. Take your time.
In 1973 at 15, I broke my back on XC at a show when my new 16h horse made it under a tree limb and I didn’t. There were multiple mistakes that led to this, most of them mine. There were just as many things that went right and I am not in a wheelchair, I have three great kids who have grown up with more compassion for people than most, and I am terrified about falling off a horse.
It took over a year for the doctor to okay my riding again. I did my physical therapy with the goal to get on and ride. And ride I did. Yes, I returned to jumping. I was only calm about this when I rode a horse I trusted implicitly. As the years have added up I came to the conclusion that I would probably not continue to jump (dry heaves are not fun) because I was not able to stop seeing myself mentally in a wheelchair. Don’t be fooled, I have come off a horse since the accident. Most all from the one horse. While riding on the flat. One of my trainers told me “For someone who is afraid of falling off, you stay on the horse quite well”. Yes, I do. Wheelchairs anyone?
I stopped riding because my daughter needed help with her schooling (education, not riding). I miss riding a lot. Horses are an addiction.
I broke my hip 4 years ago (no, magnets don’t stick—a coworker threw some at my hip when I was released back to work). Physical Therapy sucked but it worked. They told me it would take two years before I was totally recovered. One day, I realized I hadn’t thought about my hip all day, it hadn’t hurt! I came off a 17.3h warm blood in a lesson when he decided he was tired of doing the 4 bounce gymnastic (that the trainer said "one more time, then we’ll stop). Horse ducked out left, my foot got hung up in the stirrup. When I could finally bail I was sure 1500 pounds of galloping horse was going to step on me. I got an ambulance ride (in rural Texas first responders show up in pick up trucks, wearing jeans, boots, and cowboy hats lol). It was agonizing getting on the backboard and into the ambulance when it arrived. I did try to sell the EMTs Girl Scout cookies though. When I was able I took lessons from a different trainer on a dead broke horse. It was at a clinic in a big, round arena with no obstacles that I finally got the confidence to canter my own horse (in western tack, the horn made me feel better). I went from tight bundle of nerves to stupid happy, grinning ear to ear cantering (or, I suppose, loping). I came off my new horse last week. Nothing broke but I’m sore. My guy tripped over a raised cavaletti and went down. My trainer said he looked like a spider on roller skates, legs going every direction. He recovered, I was on his neck. I think that spooked him and he went right, I went left. It was a total freak think and I don’t think I’m scared to get back on and trot poles. At some point you just have to get the nerve to do the thing you are afraid of. Every time you do it successfully it will chip away at that fear. Good luck!
I have a fair bit of hardware holding my shattered tibia together after a I met the arena fence on my way down from a fall. I have since only cantered in a very controlled lesson environment on a very old, rock steady dressage lesson horse. I look at other people cantering and I get jealous and anxious at the same time. It’s horrible. Aside from signing up for some lessons I have not yet managed to get through this. Luckily I’m not hyped up about showing or doing a lot of jumping and I’m having to put in some W/T bending training time on my 7 year old OTTB. I just really need to suck it up and do it. Muscle memory will help I think. It’s distressing at how anxious I get – I’m not an anxious kind of person.
Cindy, you have written exactly what’s been in my head! In 2010, while I was in the midst of an unscheduled departure from my horse, I was (unintentionally) kicked in the face. It took me a long time to realize that ultimately I had to change my riding lifestyle. My career was riding, my life was riding. 7 years later I can’t say I’m still ok with it, but the only way to pretend I have confidence anymore is to ride a dead broke schoolie over a pole on the ground. The funny thing is, it now makes me just as happy as I was when I was riding crazy babies! And just like that I’ve become the wimpy adult rider that I always said I would never become! I hope that one day I can have the confidence ride at the level I did before my accident, but in the end I’ve realized that what makes me happy is the connection with my horse, the rest is just the cherry on top!