Shattered

So Being an open book, Im sure some have noticed that ive been MIA. 

Cliffnote verison to bring ya up to speed... 

Queen Em had surgery to remove her ovaries due to her having GCTs (see last blog post). The surgery itself went great. I saw her at 3pm, she was up talking to me super cuddly and starting to eat, required some pain meds, but hey when i had my full hysterectomy, so did i. The tech texted me an update at 7ish she was still up,  temp fine, pain under control, etc. They would check on her throughout the night. At 10:30/11ish it was reported that she was stable eating, drinking, pooping, etc. At 7am i was sipping my coffee, starting to work in the studio, watching GMA like always when the AM check up call was received. I was informed that she was found in stall at the surgical center passed away. It was foond that sometime during the night that one or more of the stitches internally ruptured and she bled out internally within a matter of minutes.

Logically, I know that ANY surgery is a risk, bottom line. Even if someone was right there when it happened, i dont know if it would have made a difference. All i know is that she was Cancer free, Momma J and I snuggled her, groomed her and i can only hope that she knows how much i Love her. Logically, I know this WE ALL KNOW this. 

Emotionally, I just cant wrap my head around it.  I see everyday on social media, people who shiuldnt have horses. People who just think of them as machinery, or who think, & protray that idea of  “well whatever happens happens, i can just get another.”  Then theres the people i like to think im grouped with, the ones that will do ANYTHING to make sure their horses have whatever they need no matter what.  I see and read peoples’ posts about all of their struggle and LOVE the have for their horse or horses. Their victories of just quietly cantering a poles on the ground consistently  (It’s my most proud) . 

Have i been an Asshole... YES... I am BY FAR not perfect, or very people friendly, but even when i hated everyone, at the farm I leased in DC, & how they felt that i took advantage of them or whatever. I have always taken care of the horses before myself or my family. They might have hated me for whatever reasons (I still dont know what they were) but their horses were treated like mine, & their board bill barely covered cost and NEVeR covered my Time. Ive Always tried to help whoever i can no questions asked no complaints, because its for the horses. 

Thus i cant understand why or what I didnt do right.  Like, i get “what goes around comes around”; but the bad juju should be on me, not the innocence of my horses. Thats the part i cant take. Thats the part, that I cant understand. And yes i know some are reading this thinking its the way the cards fell, its not katma its just the way it is. Others are saying well “You reap what you sow” or “no good deed goes unpunished” Blah blah blah...

Im not sure ill ever understand my super shitty luck that seems to befall me. Every vet report even states I did All I could for Moo, Mav, & Emma. These things happen, and logically i know that its just part of being one of those crazy horse girls. I just dont know where to go from here or how. 

I still have WonderPony, (technically hes Momma J’s but whatever) and no one else. The “kitty” i had started to save up went to invest into the Tailored Sportsman buy in for KjC, which is cancelled now because the last part of it went for my Queen’s final experiences (once i get caught back up im going to have the “final expenses jar so i dont have to do this again just incase I suggest others do the same) my Tax return went to her surgery, & all the hoops to figure out what was wrong. All i have to show for All that is two jars holding the cancer filled ovaries that i wasn't going to let take my mare from me, & soon a matching box to Mav’s so my bookends will match once more. 

March 20th at 7am my whole world shattered with one phone call, & emotionally I just cant understand.

Im at a loss of what to do now. Ive never been “horseless” WonderPony is an actual pony after all & i wont ask him to be something he's not. He needs to be happy, fit, & enjoy life even if he hates his trot sets, (he still says hes s looking pony only)

Do i figure out how to get a greenie again and start over? (Becauss thats just what 37yr old ammy me wants; Emma was pretty perfect & made be brave) or do i just accept that poor Buddy is going to be super fit now.  

I have no plan & i know that i need time to make that decision, but this is a senerio i never thought I would be in. I worked, I made payments and paid my dues to have a really nice horse that i could make mistakes on and learn from & now im at a loss. 

Thank you to everyone who has messaged, called, email, snail mail, etc to let me know Im not alone in this. It means so much and its so humbling to know that. Im

So for the first time in my life, I dont even have a theory of how to proceed other than I have been blessed to be able to call 3 big bays that are amazing mine, until The powers that be needed them more than I did. Lots of Wine to help when i cant stop crying, & new jar labeled “Unicorn fund” just incase (so not kidding cause its in my blood)

&

A PERFECT WonderPony to babysit me until the Unicorn fund and the next unicorn is found.